[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?