I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
![]()
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.