Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ