Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The three genders.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.