Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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Morningbreath
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A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”