I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂