Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I’m not alone. I have ants.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
mmm onion ringos
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.