airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
You Might Also Like
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Beware…..
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
*launders Kohls cash*
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better