Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David