{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
The first one, obviously
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.