Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
somebody come look at this
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[loses house key, starts a new life]
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons