I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
We need to put an American base on the sun