At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
my name if I was in the mob
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
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