“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
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“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance