imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?