Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Thursday Thought.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…