My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
had to make it
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.