After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Made something I’m not proud of
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.