Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
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*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.