I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?