50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
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describing stardew valley
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.