Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Botany good plants lately?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
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Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”![]()
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
This is true.
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.