Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I put the mess in domestic.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.