Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
You Might Also Like
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I have never heard an armadillo before.
he looks great for his age
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting