Botany good plants lately?
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me sliding into hell like
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.