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A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.