My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?