I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
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Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH