me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Why I divorced her.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.