Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Damn what did I do next
Goat cheese is for herders.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
…..pretty much.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“Wait, let me explain..”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?