Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.