I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.