I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
NASA has no chill
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.