I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Guy who likes music
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.