I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
This classic never gets old . . .
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.