Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues