Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging