Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is