“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order