[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I have obtained a hat
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket