I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The two types of wives
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.