[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
You Might Also Like
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*puts words between two asterisks*
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Wedding planning is organized crime.