Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.