The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived