The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”