Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.