The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
How to draw a duck
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My dog learned how to text
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.