Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.