[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Yep.