As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
found my next D&D character name
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Important reminders
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza