He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
You Might Also Like
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Bike for sale
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.