Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

tis the season

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?