I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO