Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
You Might Also Like
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.