One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
lol
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.