Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
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And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding