I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
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Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
crying
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet