Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
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Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.