Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day